Empathy and Sympathy

Years ago, in the tragedy of 9-11 my understanding of

was developed. Though for years before that I had been moved by witnessing inequities and injustices, I had never really placed myself in the victims shoes so to speak. After witnessing that tragedy, live on camera and living through the effects it had on our nation, I developed a strong sense of identity with the victims families. I didn't know any of them personally, but many people I encountered and spoke with in my undocumented interviews did. In talking with them, those who would or could talk, I developed a sense of kinship with them and the victims. I began to feel about them and the residents of New York, the way a lot of people where I'm from do about their own Kinfolk. The anger and sorrow I felt for what had happened seemed as though it had happened to my family and I was forever changed by it.

Yesterday, I had to attend the funeral of a young teenage girl who had been killed in an accident. Though I didn't know her personally, I had interacted with her several times in the past years

in her families restaurant, so my family wanted to offer our support and respect to them in this time of loss. She was a bright young girl, with a big heart, great personality, and wonderful future ahead of her. Since the times following 9-11 where my Empathy has grown, I have become so easily emotionally connected to such a wide variety of victims that I don't even try to maintain any gruff manly demeanor anymore. When I know people are hurting I can't help but feel Sympathy for them, and if I have any kind of personal connection or even relateable circumstances, my feelings of empathy grow rapidly.

In Etiam Tu: Eradicating Hatred, one of the first subjects adressed is proximal identity, and its relationship to ones ability to be completely empathetic or not. When one is completely empathetic they are essentially as moved or affected by the circumstances as the other person is who is suffering. At yesterday's funeral, the young ladies family, especially her aunt who had practically raised her like her own child for 12 years, were very very hurt and distraught about the girls death. She (the aunt) was nearly incapable of stoping her crying and sobbing. I felt very bad for her and the rest of the family.

Even though I knew it would be comforting to her for me, as almost every other person did, to hug her as she cried, I had to decide not to. I felt that my empathy for her in this situation would only serve to intensify and magnify her sorrow. I knew that if I went to hug her and cried with her as she cried, it would only increase her sorrow. So I did not console her personally; I refrained from that. I blocked what I believed the effect of my empathy would be on her and I maintained my distance. My wife and son visited her but I could not.

In deciding to keep my distance and feel only sympathy, limiting the level of empathy I allowed myself to feel and express: I chose to use proximal identity to sheild me from this emotional state.

I feel I made the right choice and that keeping my distance, helped reduce her sorrow instead of increasing it. My choice of sympathy over empathy at a glance may appear selfish, but I know

it was from feelings of compassion in not wanting to make a bad situation worse. My heart still goes out to this family and in time I will express more sympathy personally at their restaurant

but only after their emotional wounds have healed a little better and my own empathetic feeling don't endanger their emotional stability. Sorrow and Grief can be deadly: science has proven that.

I hope they can eventually adjust to the loss they have experienced. My feelings will continue to be hurt for them, until I see them doing better.